Tuesday, September 14, 2010

wee, wee, wee...all the way home

Let me preface by saying I do have a few photos which I will upload later. Alas, they are only of the pig by himself as I was too busy later to take action shots. I will forever regret that...

It's been a month or more since this happened and I have absolutely no excuse for dragging my feet on blogging about it other than I am sometimes a lazy slob in a to-do list sort of way, not a clean-house kind of way.

Anyway, about a month ago I got home just at dusk. I have to walk across the road to check the mail box so I park in my drive way and walk across the road. When I turn to come back, I see a HUGE pig, nay, a hog coming from the woods toward my car. I jumped in the car just as it arrived and started sniffing all around the car. It was not a wild boar or anything, but it was big enough to look in the car window at me and it had tusks as long as my fingers. He sniffed around the car a few times then wandered into the back yard so I drove up to the front door. He then popped back around the house and sniffed all around the car again. I sat in the car and watched him. I wasn't getting out under any circumstances until he was not around. When he again wandered into the back yard, I grabbed all my stuff and fled into the house.

Of course, the first thing I absolutely had to do was call KT. Her 7 year old daughter answered the phone:
Essie - Hello?
ME - Hey, Essie! It's Aunt Holley!
Essie - Hey, Aunt Holley! What are you doing?
ME - I'm standing at my front door, looking a GIANT PIG in my yard!
Essie - .......what?
ME - *I repeat what I said*
Essie (yelling) - Momma, Aunt Holley says there's a giant pig in her yard!
KT (at a distance) - ...wait, what? Let me talk to Aunt Holley!

So KT gets on the phone and I tell her about the pig. He is now wandering in the road and it is nearly dark. He is almost hit by several cars and one motorcycle. One car stops in the middle of the road, next to the pig. The passenger rolls down the window and says "Hey buddy!" then the car travels on. KT and I decide I need to call the police (no animal control in my rural area) so I tell her I'll call her later. I look in the phone book for the number of the nearest police...not listed. I go to the section for the next town over....the number I get out of the BLUE GOVERNMENT SECTION OF THE PHONEBOOK says it has been disconnected. So, at this point, I make my greatest mistake...I call my father.

I called him originally to see if he had a different number for the police. I did not feel this was a 911 moment, but it was a danger to drivers. Dad did not have a number but he was REAL INTERESTED in coming to get the pig.
Dad - I've got half a mind to come get that pig. Is it wild? Do you think I could catch it?
ME - He's just roaming around the yard, doesn't appear aggressive. But he has tusks and it HUGE!
Dad - But do you think I could catch it? I'd love to have some bacon!
ME - I was just going to call the police and have them come get it. Several cars have almost hit it!
Dad - I think I can catch it!
ME - Dad, if you want the pig, come get it. But if you come over here, you better bring several people to help and it isn't gonna be me OR my stepmother!
Dad - Okay! I'm headed that way!

Oh dear. What have I done.

It is now a bit after 8pm. Full dark, I haven't had time to eat dinner, I'm tired from work, and my father drives up in their nice new car with my stepmother and their tiny, yippy dog. Yep. Did you think it would happen any other way? My dad, multiple rotator cuff surgery and double knee replacement survivor, gets out of his nice new car with a rope.
Dad - I wish I had some corn!
ME - I've got breakfast cereal.
Dad - Go get some!
ME - Wait on me!

I go get the cereal. Almost immediately, the loudest most disturbing squealing and grunting come from outside. Let me tell you, no film studio YET has perfected the pig-in-distress sound. It is louder and more guttural than can be imagined. I ran to the door and what I basically see is my father waterskiing across my front yard behind a rampaging pig. Then he loses his balance, falls, and the pig drags him down the side of my car then along the side of the house. He was just about to be dragged underneath the deck when I was finally able to close my mouth and spring to action. I grabbed the end of the rope and wrapped it around the leg of the deck as the pig darted under the deck. Of course, OF COURSE, my dad had his hand wrapped in the rope so when the pig hit the end of his slack, he AND my dad are now both making a good deal of noise. I get him untangled and he is covered in grass, mud, and other suspicious substances and is panting like a steam engine.

Dad - I caught it! N said I wouldn't be able to but did you see me lasso it?! I caught it!
ME - Dad, I don't think we're at a 100% success rate right now...what are you going to do with it now?
Dad - I going to get some bacon!
ME - I understand that, but what are we going to do with it now?
Dad - I told you, I've got a friend at a place that processes deer meat. He said he could process the pig tonight!
ME - Dad, I understand that you want bacon, but what are we going to take it IN?
Dad -...........................I'm going to have to go for help.
Dad - I thought it'd be smaller.

I give dad my car keys, since one of the pig's hind feet is now tied to the trailer hitch of his car. While he's gone, the pig is going berserk and manages to pull his car several feet backward across the grass. Finally, after about 20 minutes, he gets back.
Dad - How did it get so much slack in the rope?
ME - He pulled your car across the grass. You're gonna need a bigger boat.
Dad - *laughs uproariously* JP is coming to help!

Imagine my surprise and consternation when JP arrives in an even smaller car, with his wife. They alight from their vehicle with cigarettes and beers in coozies. JP has a pistol in the waistband of his jeans. It's now 9:30 and apparently the party is about to get started.

While dad was gone, N has remembered that someone she knows lives nearby and owns pigs. She tells my dad and now he doesn't want THIS particular bacon since it might possibly belong to someone else. I am SO tired, grumpy, hungry and sweaty that I just want the f*%king pig gone ASAP. Now, JP decides he will just go to the possible owners house (since he's not answering the phone) and get him. JP and wife leave.

JP and wife come back, followed by a diesel duely pulling a horse trailer. Thank goodness! Now I have a yard FULL of men who know JUST what to do. JP and wife have either had several more beers (in addition to the ones still in coozies and being inbibed), a toke or two, or both, but they are rockin'. The men collecting the pig put another rope on the pig's free hind leg, two each take a rope, dad takes the rope around his head, and they head backward towards the horse trailer. Dad didn't know they were going to run, which he has not been able to do in years, and he goes down in the grass again. JP runs forward to grab the now free rope and the pistol falls out of his pants to the ground. His wife staggers to the pistol, picks it up, and begins waving it around. She has a beer in a coozie and a cellphone in one hand, a cigarette and, NOW, a loaded pistol in the other. She is screaming, "I've got the gun! I'ma gone shoot the pig if it gets loose! Should I shoot it now?! I'ma gone shoot it if it gets loose!" JP is yelling, "Get back, woman!" repeatedly.

The pig is finally loaded and, for the last act, my dad decides it is his favorite rope and he has to have it back and no one else can retrieve it for him. He must enter the trailer and beard the pig in its portable den. Refreshingly, nothing happens. He goes in and gets the rope and gets back out. Everyone leaves. I have some scuffed grass and several fragrant piles of pigsh!t. I can still smell the pigsh!t.

The pig has not been back, nor have I heard anything about it. I did see my dad last week and he said where ever he goes around our small little town, someone always tells him they heard a rumor he'd taken up pig wrastlin'. He always gets all the glory.

What have you been wrastlin' with lately?


Lauren said...

That sounds like it came straight out of National Lampoon's Alabama Vacation. LOVE IT!

Holley T said...

It was VERY Nat'l Lampoon's AL Vacation!

I just remember being SO tired, grumpy, and sweaty when they left...it was 10:30pm and I still hadn't had supper and it was too late to eat anyway. I took a hot shower and went to bed.

Unknown said...

That is absolutely hilarious! I needed the laugh. I'm glad no one, including the pig, got seriously hurt. Please get your dad some bacon. :~}

Holley T said...

They were both a bit banged up and bruised but no long-lasting ill effects on my dad's part. I'm not sure about the pig...

My dad gets awful impulsive from time to time :-) He has high blood pressure and has no business with that much pork anyway!