the la boring tar pits

Due to my recent glutting on the tv show Big Bang Theory combined with how godawfully slowly this day has gone by, I have serious ponderings about the time space continuum and relativity.  Unfortunately, I don't have the corresponding vocabulary and/or background in theoretical physics to either voice or answer my own questions.  That's some sort of feedback loop the likes of which may just confound Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

If I didn't absolutely know that the full moon passed me by a few nights ago, I'd swear it was on it's way tonight.  Or someone hung out the psychiatric shingle in front of the library today.

It's slow, Slow, ssssslllllloooooowwwww and I'm mucho bored.  I've done paperwork until my eyes are blurry and irritated and I can do no more.  I've filled in calendars, cleaned up dirty toilet paper, made more coffee than is served at Waffle House, watched gross people dig around in the candy dish, answered a million questions that all seemed to go this similar directions "do you have 1040 tax forms? yes. you do? yes.  so you really do? yes.  i just can't believe you can say that without looking. i can." and still have to stop by Walmart on the way home.

I took 4 and a half days of staycation last week in an attempt to recharge my solitude batteries and it has been sucked away most aggressively since Tuesday.  I didn't even know that was possible.  It makes me think some deep thoughts like, am I burning out after only 17 years?  I don't want to be that crotchety middle-aged librarian so popular in myth, much less a crotchety old one.  I've got a shitload to go before retirement is an option and there's nothing I'd rather do.  That is the crux of the problem.  I adore my work, but I get so tired of it so easily nowadays.  Am I broken?  People get on my nerves like they have never gotten on them before, and they're not even new people.  They are regulars that I've seen and dealt with for YEARS and they are only now trying to be the last straw?  How does that even happen?

I used to hate being around people, then I started public service and discovered I loved helping them, not I seem to be on the other side of some sort of bell curve that I don't appreciate being on.  I was not consulted, or asked, or warned for that matter.  Perhaps it's living alone and liking it, perhaps too much, though I certainly don't want a roommate again.  I can't even imagine having to put up with a significant other at this point, much less a casual acquaintance.  Maybe I need to take a meditation class, dig around in my own head a bit.  Maybe take it seriously and let someone else dig around in my head a bit.

coming out of the fat closet

Oh no, I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working on it.

I've lost a little over 70 pounds in the past 4 months and I am quite proud of that.  I've run into a couple of people whom I haven't seen since I had surgery or since early on afterward.  They smile, give me a thumbs up. I smile, give them a thumbs up back.  Some sidle up to me, speaking out of the corner of their mouths, "You look great!  How do you feel?"  Real quiet, whispering.

I feel great.

I'm proud of myself for making a tough life decision about my health and following through with that decision.

I'm not ashamed that I couldn't just do it on my own.

I'm not ashamed that joining a group didn't help.

What it ultimately comes down to is:  I'm not ashamed.  There's no need to whisper.  There's no need to catch me alone.

I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, not a back alley abortion, nor am I conducting a seedy drug deal.  If you know about my surgery and would like to comment on my appearance, do so...no need to be shy.  If you didn't know about my surgery and think I have cancer, you'll be just as relieved as I am for that not to be the case.  Though hopefully my hair loss WILL slow down so that won't become a completely common place reaction.  I've only had a small handful of people ask me if I'm sick, thank goodness.

I'm delighted to talk about it with anyone who'd like to know more about it.  But anyway, I just wanted to say that, to get that out there on the table.

Hi, my name is Holley.  I had weight loss surgery and I'm not ashamed.  Neither should you be.  Claim that decision for yourself, own it, be proud of it, benefit from it.  I know I'm planning to.

keeping resolutions

The key to this one, specifically, is having something to blog about.  Epic fail.  Nothing is going on with me and nothing especially entertaining is going on at work, outside of my general annoyance with tax forms right now.  I can't write about that every day.  Well, I guess I could but I'd be tired of myself long before anyone else had a chance.

I seem to be in some sort of slump right now.  I'm unable to concentrate on any of the 8 books I have to read this month.  That's going to suck come book group/contest judging deadline.  I can't find anything to watch on television since I finished the available episodes of The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, and True Blood.  I keep returning to Keeping Up Appearances and the Vicar of Dibley so I can listen without watching while either quasi-napping or playing Words with Friends or checking Facebook.  I'll beat you to the punch and admit that I'm working on breaking my FB checking habit.  At least reducing it a little.

It's just when I get off work, I want silence and solitude.  I don't want to go out.  I don't want anyone to ask me ANYTHING.  I don't want to talk on the phone.  I don't want anyone to want anything, or want to know anything, that I may be able to provide.  I'm getting grumpy because I'm not reading, but I can't concentrate on reading because I'm grumpy and unsettled.

WTF?

lemme tell you my favorite time of year

I have a couple of them here at the 'brary, led quite strongly by junior high/high school exams in May and December.  And when I say favorite, I really mean one of the inner circles of hell.

But hey, don't mind me.  After all, my occupation is listed as one of the least stressful jobs this year.  (along with medical records, T.  Let me know how you feel about that, as I know you will read this)

My second most favorite time of year is tax time, which apparently starts (for us) in November.  Guess what folks?  Even if I had your tax forms in November, while legislation is being decided in case you don't watch the news/listen to the radio/read a newspaper/have a pulse, I can't put them out until after the first of the year.  Now the deluge has begun.  "Why don't you have tax forms?"  "When will they be here?"  "Why are they late?"  ...and the like.  People, I have as much control over the when and how of your tax forms as I do over global warming and world peace.  In fact, I think I just may have MORE control over world peace than I have over tax forms.  I ordered the damn things in August.  AUGUST, people.  Just as soon as the ordering was ready, I ordered.  My part is done.  Quit making me personally responsible for your tax forms.  You know where you can get them RIGHT NOW if they're available?  A little thing we like to call the internet.

"You have until April.  Back the fuck off."

That's what I want to say.

I didn't, of course.  But I thought it REAL HARD.

That is all.