guilt trip

So I don't guess I've made the formal announcement that my Roomie's getting married Dec 1 and will be a mommy sometime in June. She and her fiancee close on their house Nov 15 or 17 and I'll be by myself for the first time ever. I've been self-sufficient for a pretty good while now, but I have never lived by myself.

I must admit that I am über excited about the prospect. New curtains, new living room furniture, dare I say...a big girl TV to replace the 17 inch tv I've been squinting at for 5 years....I'm excited about all of it.

*screeching car tires*

So yesterday my mom casually drops this 1,000,000 kiloton nominal yield comment, "Anytime you want a roommate you just let me know." Now, I talked to her about this months ago in an if-roomie-ever-moves-out sort of way and she said no, that she would stay at my aunt's house helping out with my grandmother as she is bedridden and my aunt is her primary caretaker. Now, all of a sudden, things have changed and I can't say that I'm in the same mood now as when I made the offer. For one, my mom and I get along much better when we are not too often in the same vicinity. Two, the only thing that tops her dog's hatred of me, is my reciprocal fondness for the little sh!t. He pees on stuff, hates cats, and is SO not an outside dog. I don't want a dog, not even someone else's dog, and certainly not a dog that bites me at nearly every opportunity.

I reminded her of the conversation that took place just a few scant months ago and she said that things had changed, that my aunt would be happier with her out of the house, that she didn't do anything but drain the household and my aunt would never be happy until she left. I could have plowed corn from the drag marks of my heart as I drug it behind me. How are you supposed to answer something like that? I told her I'd think about it but it is so not feeling like a go at this point and I feel HoRrIbLe about it, but only because I know how her feelings will be hurt if I rule it out. Her doctor bills, and just plain fallout from earlier bad decisions dating from my senior year in high school, prevent her from being able to put a roof over her own head without help. I have no extra money to give her and I don't know that I have a place in my home either. Too much has gone on in the past for me to trust her that much.

My plan, as I've mapped it out in my head, is to tell her that I don't want another roommate right now but she will be the first to know if that policy changes. I want some time to myself. Who's to say that, given a few months, I won't like solo living? I might get lonely and change my mind about the company. I don't see that happen, but it's within the realm of possibility.

If it comes to pass that my mom moves in though, what to do with the little sh!t?

TORN!!! Torn like an old sweater!
htw