MLK Day humor

Sorry, no jokes if that was what you were expecting. This is the real deal.

I love my mother, despite any past squabbles or her wish to move in with me since my roommate got married. She was a moving, evolving FORCE behind my education. It's no secret here at Holley's House that I absolutely abhor schooling of any flavor. If I knew how, I'd get Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall to play whenever anyone read my blog. I hated the first day of kindergarten just as badly as I hated the last day of grad school. Despite that, my mother's wishes and dreams for me got me through 18 years of school. She helped me study, she got me tutors when I needed them, she made me speak correctly when my friends were inundating me with slang and their own shoddy grammar. I wish I had some audio of her helping me with my Spanish homework. I took to Spanish like a duck to water but my mother DID NOT! That never stopped her from trying, and still doesn't.

My mom has a problem with sayings, cliches, idioms, etc. I was telling KT the other day that one day while I was trying to make a decision about something, wavering 2 or 3 times from side to side she said, "Now Holley, you can't ride a different pony across the river." I laughed until I thought parental retribution was imminent. For those not familiar with this, the saying is "don't change horses in the middle of the stream" or something really, really similar. No ponies or rivers though. There have been dozens, if not hundreds, of others over the course of my lifetime but I didn't know I'd one day want to blog them so they are lost to posterity. Yesterday, my friends, my mother came up with one of, what I thought was, epic proportions.

We are in a steakhouse in Leeds, Alabama (home of Charles Barkley!) and Cops is on the TV and I was laughing at it.

MOM: "What's on tv to make you laugh so hard."
ME: "Oh, it's just Cops. I love this show!"
MOM: "I've seen that too many times. I just can't watch it anymore."
ME: "I love it and never get tired of it! I watch it constantly when I petsit."
MOM: "Well, I'd venture to say I watch a bit more tv that you do" Mom remembers that I don't watch tv at home since I don't have cable. "You know I can't really stick with any tv shows too awful long. I think I've got that deficit...that DVC."

All right. I'm not proud. I broke out in a bark of laughter that drew the attention of patrons and staff. I continued to laugh long past the point at which I'd begun to wheeze. My mother had retreated behind her menu but I KNEW I needed to get it together soon or I'd seriously hurt her feelings.

Finally, through intermittent bursts of wheezing giggles I said, "Mom, that's attention deficit disorder, ADD, or attention deficit hyperactive disorder, ADHD." I got tickled again past the point of being able to speak but when I'd gotten my breath back I asked, "But I must ask, were you to have DVC, what would those letters stand for?"

Mom gave the matter serious attention, then replied, "Deliberate.....vindictive........" Her face screwed up in concentration, then smoothed out in triumph, "SYNDROME!"

All right. I'm not proud of this either. I was gone again. As the wheezing giggles subsided, I explained that syndrome started with an "s" but the fun was kind of over as I had managed to piss her off just enough to take the humor out of it. I did tell her the story would end up here and she was definitely unamused, but I was still well amused and stayed that way all afternoon.

Here's hoping you don't end up suffering from DVC today!
htw